Silent Devotion

How Many Summers Have Passed You By?

As a husky child, I always cared for the summer months a little less than the other kids, all the while wishing I could enjoy them just as much.

When everyone jumped into the pool with enthusiasm, ridding themselves of the confines of their clothing and the unforgiving heat, I hesitantly entered the water, still with he shirt on my back; terrified of exposing myself to everyone.

I had been teased enough with my clothing on, and I was not ready to find out how relentless the kids would be if I didn’t have at least one shell of protection.

I smiled and enjoyed myself on the outside, and was miserable internally.

All the while a hostage in a prison of my own making.

I saw the happiness on others’ faces, and I vowed that I would be just as happy as them, next summer.

Next summer, I’d be in the deep end with no shirt and the body I had always wanted.

Next summer, all of the other kids would want to hang out with me.

Next summer, nobody would tease me. They would look up to me.

Next summer.

That next summer came, and it was the same situation.

My arms were never as “cut” as the next guy’s; I wasn’t ever quite as cool either.

I allowed a lot of summers to slip by, but, it was okay, I would make up for it, “next summer.” I told myself I was going to get into the best shape of anyone, and the missed summers would be worth it in the end.

I finally achieved that look I wanted, but the problem is that I got it too many summers too late.

See, when the summers finally came, I was too unsure of myself to enjoy them. I was too miserable in my own situation to see all that I did have; I could only see what was wrong with me.

In hindsight, I was a hard worker as a kid. I got sick of being chubby, and I decided to do something about it.

I gave up the sweets, and I took up running.

I ran, then I ran, and then I ran some more.

When next summer finally came it was still not good enough.

In hindsight, I let too many days, too many summers, too many experiences, pass by me, because I was busy living in the future. I was consumed with a time that would not exist. Not now, not ever. A time that only I could see, where I was perfect and absolutely nothing was impossible.

Living in that future cost me too many memories.

Residing in that future convinced my mind that the present moments were unimportant, and things would be better….next summer.

It took a lot those summers for me to realize that that outside wasn’t lacking. It took many missed opportunities and lackluster experiences to make me get fed up and for me to accept that I had to overhaul the way I saw life. Not my body.

I let a lot of summers pass by. I won’t ever have them back.

But now, I try to live in the present. I may never have next summer. I may never be able to invest in a house 5 years from now. I can’t get back the summers I have missed, and I can’t go back in time to help that little chubby kid gain enough confidence to take off his shirt.

But I can go out today and enjoy it for what it is.

Reality.

The Present.

The only thing that truly matters.

So, enjoy “this summer”, as much as you can. Until next time, take the Red Pill, and see me in the morning.